I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
