She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
