Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
