I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
