you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
