So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
