you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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