I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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