Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
