And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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