i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
