Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
