Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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