Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just invented taco cereal.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
