Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
