a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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