I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
