I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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