You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Randomize
