have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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