I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
