Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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