Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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