Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
