Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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