I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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