I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
