i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize