"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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