Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
All I want is dick and wine.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
