There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
