I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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