My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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