i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
