mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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