He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
