tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
