You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
i think my cat just said my name.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
