her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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