I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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