i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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