I have surprise drugs for everyone
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
