Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
