I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
