she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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