I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
