Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize