I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
