Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
