I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
