I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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