Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
