You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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