I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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