FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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