You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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