did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
